"This world demands that I be idle with my progressive nature."

I had a piece of shit car!

. .


	07:41am 24/07/2004
Event:???? This was always suposed to be about something that has just hapened? Not some rantings af bull shit drama that doesn't matter towards mine own existance.... This is what it was about the WHOLE TIME!.... HA and to think I had....... WE had it wrong the whole time... Silly us : ) Te He.......... Most of you will not get this at all.... But then there are the few who will act like they understand for acceptance and attention..... You can always do what I do for atention... Make it COMPLETELY obvious that you WANT atention.... do something like yell out... I WANT ATENTION. Or make someone feel stupid : ) END!
	4 Things said - Tell me something	Poke The Bunny!	Paiges Journal

. .


	08:21pm 21/07/2004
I love it when my friends forget who I am.... Oh oh but I really enjoy when someone who is always there calls themself "friend" stabs me in the back while imagining that I am oblivious to it all. Fuck You, Scum
	8 Things said - Tell me something	Poke The Bunny!	Paiges Journal

. .

12:17am 09/06/2004

mood:

tired

music: Nine Inch Nails - 10 miles high

So here is my car. This is the piece of shit that I have been driving
for the past 6 months!

I do get alot of atention for it.
And we all know how much I like attention right!!
HA

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But it doesn't look to bad.... right?

7 Things said - Tell me something

Not one day goes by that I don't know that I'm dying!

. .


	02:36pm 06/06/2004
SHIT! I just baught a CameCube with 4 controllers, a Wireless controller and a memory card for 90! Oops.
	6 Things said - Tell me something	Poke The Bunny!	Paiges Journal

. .

06:28am 25/03/2004

mood:

depressed

music: The sound of the rest of my life

My depression seems to be like cancer.

Before you even imagine that it could ever hapen you to. Before the thaught of it at all ever crosses your mind. Your life is wonderful, blissfull and ignorant. But it is good.

But then it hits you, at first you don't know what is actually going on, and it feels strange. Overtime it really starts to pull you down.

One day you either diagnose yourself after a long period of denial, or you have some one else diagnose you as depressed.
You think "bull shit, I am just sad. I will get over this.

Overtime it gets worse and worse and you just feel like death is all around you. after years of this you eventually pull yourself through, for the most part.
You live your life yet you know the "cancer" is still there. You fight it with a smile. But when you are alone you cry on the shower floor or in your bed. This goes on for a while.

Then it wears away a little bit and everyonce in a while, you forget that you have "cancer". But after a few months it hits you again and a small cycle starts. You forget then it hits you, you forget then it hits you.

Eventually something hapens in your life and you are to busy to remember that you are depressed or have "cancer". This is a good thing, but it is still cancer.

DOES IT GO AWAY!??! It is still in your system, lying dormant, waiting to just remind you... "Hey, yeah you, don't forget that you are still dying!".

Then it starts all over again.

Sure you can find a way to live with it. But there is no cure. You will have to fight this off for the rest of your life....

Don't worry, I will be ok. I am always ok.

4 Things said - Tell me something

. .

Don't ever touch me

02:04pm 23/03/2004

mood:

geeky

music: StaticX - December

I still feel the cold
of long past days.

I view my worth
put in my place.

It's no surprise
I realized some time before
december.

Sun shines through haze
I put my thoughts
toward future days.

It's no surprise
I close my eyes
and close the door.

Feeling so old
years pass like days.

Fastly changing
so many ways.

My eyes perceive
yes I believe in nothing more.

Thus a new fellowship is born... in a corerate cubical enviroment

. .

09:33am 20/03/2004

mood:

ecstatic

music: VAST - Niles Edge

HAHA This event DAMANDS an entry for all to read!

So yeah sitting at work in a cubical all day is not exactly the extent of FUN?

So I discovered that one of the two computers at my desk has an internal speaker on it!
I also know that I am NOT allowed to listen to music at work.

Alas my cubical is in the far corner away from athourity figures where it is quite and piecefull. Yet there are a few fellow co workers that sit around me at their desks...

I decided that music would severely make my work day that much more pleasant.

So what do I do. I put VAST in and I listen quietly hoping no one will notice or be bothered by it...

2 hours pass and a coworker near me comes to me about he music... My heart jupms into my thoat because I am already on my final warning and I could TOTALY get fired for this. (LAME)...

He utters the fallowing... "VAST! wow, not alot of people know of VAST". And thus a new friendship is born!

p.s. Paige is GREAT!

1 Things said - Tell me something

. .

Why am I over my head.

09:35pm 16/03/2004

mood:

gloomy

music: orgy

It seems that I go through my lifenext to completely unapreciated. Like I am only here to help people and give them what the might want or ask for COMPLETELY unconditionally. But when these things are achived there is no thanks. I can't recal people just in general thanking me for being a good friend. I have done nothing but everything I can for my friends. Yet perhaps it is because I am so nice all the time that people don't notice.
If I am mean just once or say no just once. I am looked at as being an asshole or selfish. Yet those who are completely selfish or assholes all the time do something nice or selfless ONCE they get loads of praise.

I discovered that the reason I retract or begin to fail when I recieve praise is becuase all my life no one ever ment it. I know that in my past they only reason would thank me or be proud of me was strictly to try and make me feel good so I will stop fucking up. I know this because I was told this...

It is in my nature to love unconditionally. I think everyone should, this world would be a better place if we would all just. Yet those of use who are this way are next to completely ignored for our efforts. Taken advantage of and taken for granted. Yet we are still here. Feeling like shit because we ignore ourselves for everyone, not noticing ourselves dying or in need of rescuing. How can you save yourself if you are to busy saving everyone else?!

I personally do not ignore these great people. I look for them and cherish them. I now have found a fellow lover and caretaker of others. And I love cherish and APRECIATE her with all my heart. Just know that I do understand. That is what I do.

4 Things said - Tell me something

I never believed in the saying. Until now.

. .

09:11pm 16/03/2004

mood:

lonely

music: nothing

Do you ever feel completely empty inside like you have lost something that is extreamely deer to your existance. Something that you sit and watch everyone around you have and take for granted. But feel like that for no reason......

Yeah me to.

But then I realize that I have every reason in the world to feel this way.

I used to wonder why I was so understandding to my peers emotional problems. But I realize it is because I have suffered all of these problems they endure by the time I was 12.

I also realize that out of 19 whole years of exsistance. That really is a long time. I realized that only the past FEW! years have actually been of ANY importance or sentiment to me.

There whas my tiem when I lived in florida where I actually exsisted as an idividual in this world instead of just another nameless face in the VAST flowing from place to place blinded by the tourment that fallowed me.

It was not untill I realized that my life had been complete SHIT and agony that I started to feel the agony. Imagine 15+ years of almost constant hate anger and suffering all coming to you at once. That is alot to deal with.... I am strugling, I am surprisingly holding in really well. I feel I owe that to the one person I spend most my time with. I KNOW I would not be doing this well without you Paige. Thank you.

All my life I felt nothing but happiness while the worst things people could experience went on around me everyday. Untill I realized what I was living with.

Ignorance IS bliss. Yet I wouldn't give anything to live a life of ignorance. The conciquences of reality coming back on you is to great.

Either that or I just complain to much and I just feel sorry for myself. I don't know.

Standing above the crowd, he had a voice that was strong and loud.

. .

09:21am 11/03/2004

mood:

tired

music: Vast

Last night I was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. I was a direct witness of this event. I have never experienced something like this before. I now feel like I know Eric that much more than I did the prior to this event. I am not going to post this event because that is all up to him, if he wants you to know I am sure he will let you know.

It really hurts me to see him have to go through this. I am glad I could be there for him in this time.

Thank god for Paige. I am so glad that we do not have to suffer relationship dram with eachtoehr. I love you Paige!

. .

10:05pm 08/03/2004

mood:

tired

I really love Paige!

MadAmInEdEnImAdaM Read it backwards

. .

11:33am 05/03/2004

mood:

bored

You know. I sit here at work with 30 mins of free time. To just sit here and find something to do. Yet I am completely bored!
Not a clue what to do to keep myself entertained.
Infact I am so bored I do not care to even finish this entry.

. .

Are you one of us?

06:15am 27/02/2004

mood:

busy

Jesus was not the son of god, Jesus was a philosopher.And Paige is my holy grail!

WORK WORK WORK WORK WORK!

Gummy bears! BRILLIANT!

I havn't got a thing to type.

Why is that? is it because I have nothing to complain about.

I do not know. But I can complain about work! but I wont.

"No don't eat me! I have a wife and kids! Eath them!"

I was swimming in the carribian

. .

06:54am 23/02/2004

mood:

pissed off

music: The sounds of death

Ok I am really upset right now.

Ok yes yes this does have to do with work, whatelse would it be.

when I was in the training program people complained about me (what they complained about is irrelivant)
People complaind about me doing things that 50% of the training was guilty of the exact same thing. So not only did they complain but because of it I am on my final warning and if I screw up again I am fired.

So then today I am sitting at my desk minding my own godamn bussiness and my lech lead comes to me and says he needs to talk to me.
Aparently and suposedly other techs around me have been complaining that I talk to loud to my customers and my coworkers around me. Either way it is complete bullshit because every person that sits within earshot of anything I do or say are my friends and are guilty for the exact same thing. Infact they talk more than I do. On top of that the guy next to me yells at his customers. yet I am th one who gets in trouble.

I am fucking pissed about this. It apears the only reason I got picked out is because I look and dress differently than others do.
Someone here is full of shit and I am really pissed off

An excrciating day at work

. .

07:41am 13/02/2004

mood:

anxious

music: The sound of two ones lives being wasted by another

So yes I am at work and we are doing call shadowing for the first half of the day and we will be doing reverse shadowing later on.
So as of now we are siting listening in on a call that is being taken.
The call is simply a man who has the blaster worm virus. That is all.
All that he needs to do is gogot Symantec.com and use the online blaster worm removal tool.
Then goto Microsoft.com and download the patch. That is all that needs to be done. This could take as short as 20 - 30 mins.
The guy I am shadowing on the other hand is walking through so many things that are completely irelvant. prolonging the call and wasting me man time.
I am extreamely tempted to just ask if I can take this call. But I do not want to offend my shadow agent.
So as of now I am stuck listening to this agent waste time in an excruciating manor. This makes me want to cry.

On a lighter not. I got a car! well it is a piece of crap really. But it runs great and it has heating. that is all I need right now.
It needs a new battery though. Me and Paige are going to graphiti it hardcore. It will be sexy. mmmmmm.
I cannot get it on the otherhand till next friday because I need to buy a new battery before I can drive it.
I also need to get it through an emisions test and liscense it. That wont be that big of a deal though.

We will not live in despare because of others faulty actions!

. .

12:44am 18/01/2004

mood:

tired

music: Quake soundtrack by Trent Reznor

Well Paige Hamblin the wonderful person that she is was talking about how people think they can define normal, but it is just what they find to be normal by their own standards of how they have thought all their life.

Normal, yes what is normal? This is a statment that I have pondered over many times. Normal is nothing more than a construct designed by those in power to think like they do. Normal is only what society says is normal. For an out of context example, but still an example: the sky is blue , we all know the sky is blue and that it is normal. If we try to imagine what it would be like if the sky was purple we would think that is kind of wierd. But if the sky hapens to change to purple in the future then after decades people would think that was normal. But if they where to read a history book or something stating the sky was once blue, that would be really wierd to the.

NORMAL IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.

That is what I say.

2 Things said - Tell me something

. .

Pushed back to square.

11:51pm 10/01/2004

mood:

scared

music: Deftones - Pink Maggot

I feel scared tonight.
Afraid of life.
Afraid of death.
Afraid of going on.
Afraid of giving up.
Afraid of losing someone I love.
Afraid of losing hope.
Afraid of myself.
Afraid of what I carry inside.
Afraid of pain.
Afraid of net being able to feel.
Afraid of betrayal.
Afraid of my mother.
Afraid of my past.
Afraid of my future.
Afraid of waking up.
Afraid of being alone.
Terrified of losing her.

My grandmother sugested that I make a list of things I am afraid of.
So here is a small list.

I miss you Paige.

We will uild up a wall and keep them on the other side.

. .

11:07am 10/01/2004

mood:

annoyed

music: Secret of Mana - Mana Theme

Oh I so saw this coming..... So as we all know, I sent the bastard home. He then just walks in my house and waits for me in my bedroom the next day. I don't say anything about it to him and the day goes on.... The next day I have all these plans with Paige and we run into Aaron at the school and well he baught tickets to come with us to the movie. Yeah that isn't a bid deal because Paige invited him first.... So the day is going on we go see our movie it is a GREAT movie. I fall inlove with Paige again and all is well..... then on our way home Aaron looks at me and says, "I wonder where I am going to stay, hmm I have slept outside before" yeah that was clearly a guilt trip, and a poorly placed one too. I did not feel guilty, but sorry for the fucker. So I give into his bull shit and let him stay the night but I told him he has to call his mother first thing in the morning to leave. He tells me he will just go visit friends for the day or whatever. We have now been a wake for quite some time and he is just sitting on my bed watching TV.

Perhaps I am just being a whiner but I want him to just go home... I mean sure he is a good kid we are friends, I do not hate him. I just need him to go home.

. .

Plastic and Paper demons

09:06pm 07/01/2004

mood:

giddy

music: Rob Zombie - The begining of the end

Well I helped auntie Debby who sleeps over move into her new house, it was swell but excrutiating. I missed Paige so much while I was away. But I am back, I surprised her at school today and fell inlove with her 3 times over throught the duration of today.

I measured and discovered that my "nine inch nail" is actually a TEN inch nail, and that means that the truth is that 9 and a ½ half inches is a ½ inch shorter than ten inches. Instead of 8 and a ½ inches being a ½ inche shorter than 9 inches. So I was about an entire inch off... I will be remasuring just to be certain. But if this is so then... I do not know what to say about that. but incase anyone wanted to know haha!

End